英文笑话【1】 2007-9-24 9:13:37 　·TOMS EXCUSETeacher: Tom, why are you late for school every day?Tom: Every time I come to the corner, a sign says, School-Go Slow. 汤姆的借口老师：汤姆，您为什么每天上学迟到？汤姆：我每次路过拐角，一个路标上面写着：学校----慢行。 DID YOUR DAD HELP YOU?One day, Tims mathematics teacher looked at his homework and saw that he had got all his sums right. The teacher was very pleased-and rather surprised. He called Tim to his desk and said to him, You got all your homework right this time, Tim. What happened? Did your father help you?No, sir. He w…… 英文笑话【2】 2007-9-24 9:13:37 　·IM NOT HAVING IT ALL CUT OFF.Miles sometime went to the barbers during working hours to have his hair cut. But this was against the office rules: clerks had to have their hair cut in their own time. While Miles was at the barbers one day, the manager of the office came in by chance to have his own hair cut and sat just beside him.Hello, Miles, the manager said. I see that you are having your hair cut in office time.Yes, sir, I am, admitted Miles calmly. You see, sir, it grows in office time.Not …… 英文笑话【3】 2007-9-24 9:13:34 　·I CAN GO HOME.One day after school the teacher said to his students, Tomorrow morning, if any one of you can answer my first question, I will permit him or her to go home earlier. The next day, when the teacher came into the classroom, he found the blackboard daubed. He was very angry and asked, Who did it? Please stand up! Its me, said Bob, Now, I can go home. Good-bye, Sir.我可以回家了一天，放学以后，老师对他的学生们说：明天上午，如果你们当中的任何一个同学能首先回答我的问题，我就准许他或她最先回家。第二天，老师走进教室时发现黑板被涂得乱七八糟，他非常生气的问：谁涂的？请站起来！鲍勃说：先生，是我，现在我可以…… 英文笑话【4】 2007-9-24 9:13:33 　·BUYING A HATA lady went to a hat shop to buy a hat. As she was very fussy, it took her a long time to pick on one. Already at the end of his patience the salesman was afraid that she might change her mind again so he tried to flatter her: An excellent choice, madam. You look at least ten years younger with this hat on! To his dismay, the lady took off her hat at once and said: I dont want a hat that makes me look ten years older as soon as I take it off. Show me some more hats!买帽子一位妇女到一家帽子店买帽子。她…… 英文笑话【5】 2007-9-24 9:13:33 　·ONLY A FEW WORDSAt a court the judge is interrogating a mugger but gets into difficulty because the mugger is a foreigner who doesnt speak English. Dont you speak English at all? the judge asks. Only a few words, replies the mugger.What words do you know?Your purse or your life!几个英语词法庭上法官正审问一个抢劫犯，由于该犯是一个不会说英语的外国人，审问很困难。你一点英语都不会说吗？法官问。我只会说几个词。抢劫犯回答。你会说哪几个词？你是要钱还是要命！ DONT BE SELFISHA mother is admonishing her son.----Now, John, dont be selfish. Let your little brother share the bicycle with you.--…… 英文笑话【6】 2007-9-24 9:13:33 　·TWO HEARTS BEATINGNurse: How do you feel after your operation?Patient: Quite alright, only I can feel two hearts beating inside me.Nurse: No wonder the doctor who operated on you was looking for his watch everywhere just now. 两颗心脏在跳动护士：手术后你感觉怎样？病人：十分好，只是我能感觉到我体内有两颗心脏在跳动。护士：怪不得给你做手术的大夫刚才在到处寻找他的手表。 AN ANGRY WIFES PRAYERA man is so addicted to gambling that he often comes home late. His wife never stops railing at him. Once he is detained at his office and comes home late. His wife accuses him of…… 英文笑话【7】 2007-9-24 9:13:32 　·AN ENERGETIC WIFENeighbor: I heard a big noise in front of your house last night. What happened to you?Husband: It was nothing. My wife was a bit cross, and threw my overcoat out of the window.Neighbor: Your overcoat? But how could it make such a noise?Husband: I... I happened to be inside the coat. 精力旺盛的妻子邻居：昨天夜里我听见你家屋前有很大的声音，你们出了什么事吗？丈夫：没什么。我的妻子有点不高兴，把我的大衣给扔到窗外去了。邻居：你的大衣？扔掉大衣怎么会有那么大的声音？丈夫：我......我恰好也在大衣里面。 GOOD ADVICEThe portly sales manager was getting ready to leave his doctors office afte…… 英文笑话【8】 2007-9-24 9:13:32 　·HIS FAULTBilly: Mother, Bobby broke a window.Mother: How did he do it?Billy: I threw a rock at him and he ducked.他的错 比利：妈妈，波比打坏了窗玻璃。妈妈：他怎么打的？比利：我向他扔石头，他躲开了。TELEMARKETERI answered the phone one evening and quickly realized the voice on the other end belonged to a telemarketer.Good evening, he said, may I speak with Leah Jonason?She is a baby, I replied.All right, said the caller, Ill try again later.电话推销员一天晚上我接了一个电话，对方的声音使我很快意识到他是个电话推销员。“晚上好，”他说，“我想和利厄乔纳森说话。”“她是个婴儿，”我回答说。“没关系，”他说，“我以后再打。” MODER…… 英文笑话【9】 2007-9-24 9:13:28 　·THE FIRST TIMEPatient: Im so frightened, this is my first operation.Surgeon: I know just how you feel. This is my first operation, too.第一次 病人：我很害怕，这是我第一次动手术。外科医生：我完全理解你的心情。这也是我第一次动手术。 GOOD SIGHTLawyer: You say you were about thirty-five feet away from the scene of the accident? Just how far can you see clearly?Witness: Well, when I wake up in the morning I see the sun, and they tell me its about ninety-three million miles away.好视力律师：你说你离事故现场约有35英尺，你能看清多远的东西？证人：这么说吧，早上起床后我看见太阳，别人告诉我这大约有9300万英里远。…… 英文笑话【10】 2007-9-24 9:13:27 　·Class, Lass and AssProfessor Tom was going to meet his students on the next day, so he wrote some words on the blackboard which read as follows: Professor Tom will meet the class tomorrow. A student, seeing his chance to display his sense of humor after reading the notice, walked up and erased the c in the word class. The Professor noticing the laughter, wheeled around, walked back, looked at the student, then at the notice with the c erased--calmly walked up and erased the l in lass, looked at…… 英文笑话【11】 2007-9-24 9:13:27 　·Its Not My FaultMother (reprimanding her small daughter): You mustnt pull the cats tail.Daughter: Im only holding it, Mom. The cats doing the pulling.不是我的错 妈妈（正教训她的女儿）：你不该拽猫的尾巴。女儿：妈，我只是握着猫尾巴，它自己在拽。 A Great ManTeacher: Would Shakespeare be a great man if he were still alive today?Student: Of course. He must be a great man, for so far nobody has lived to over 400 years. 一名伟人老师：如果莎士比亚还活着，他会是一名伟人吗？学生：当然。因为到目前为止，还没有人活到400多岁。Happiness in DreamThere was a wife who told her husband, Last night I dream…… 英文笑话【12】 2007-9-24 9:13:27 　·Marry Him Jane loved Tony , but she worried about all the money he squandered when they went out together. How can I stop Tony spending so much money on me? She asked her mother.Marry him!嫁给他简很爱托尼，但是当他们一起出去的时候，托尼总是大手大脚地花钱，这使简感到很不安。“我怎样才能不让托尼在我身上花那么多钱呢？”她问自已的母亲。“嫁给他！”An Abstract NounTeacher: Whats an abstract noun, Jane?Jane: I dont know, madam.Teacher: What, you dont know! Well. Its the name of a thing which you can think of but cannot touch. Now, give me an example. Jane: A red-hot poker, madam…… 英文笑话【13】 2007-9-24 9:13:24 　·Go BarefootIn secondary school, I was always self-conscious about my height.Once I was asked out by a life-guard. I had never really stood next to him and didnt know how tall he was, so the night of the date I took out two pairs of shoes-one with heels, one flat. I arranged with my brother to answer the door, compare his height with my dates and run upstairs to let me know which shoes to wear.When doorbell rang I waited. Then my brother showed up and told me what I didnt want to hear: Go barefoo…… 英文笑话【14】 2007-9-24 9:13:23 　·It dependsTraveler: Can I catch the three oclock train to Toronto?Ticket agent: That depends on how fast you can run. It left fifteen minutes ago. 看情况旅行者：我还能赶上3点钟那班到多伦多的火车吗？售票员：那得看你跑得有多快。火车15分钟前开出。A Girls WishOn the way home after watching a ballet performance, the kindergarten teacher asked her students what they thought of it. The smallest girl in the class said she wished the dancers were taller so that they would not have to stand on their toes all the time.小女孩的愿望　　在观看完芭蕾舞表演回家的路上，幼儿园老师问学生的观…… 英文笑话【15】 2007-9-24 9:13:23 　·Mushroom and ToadstoolYounger Scout: How can I tell the difference between a mushroom and a toadstool?Older Scout: Just eat one before you go to bed. If you wake up the next morning, it was a mushroom. 蘑菇与毒蕈年少的童子军：我怎样才能把蘑菇和毒蕈区别开呢？年长的童子军：上床前吃一个。如果你第二天早上醒来，那就是蘑菇。FishingLarry and Harry drove 500 miles to go fishing. They paid a huge sum to rent a cabin, a similar about to rent a boat. They fished for three days and caught only one fish between them.On the way home, Harry fiddled with a calculator w…… 英文笑话【16】 2007-9-24 9:13:23 　·A QuestionProfessor: Before we begin the examination are there any question?Student: Whats the name of this course?一个问题教授：在开始考试之前，还有什么问题吗？学生：考试科目的名称是什么？Hens LegsSon: Why are hens legs so short?Dad: Youre a fool. If the hens legs were too long, wouldnt they drop their eggs into pieces when laying?母鸡的腿儿子：为什么母鸡的腿这么短呢？父亲：你真笨。如果母鸡的腿太长，它们下蛋的时候，鸡蛋岂不都摔碎了？ Clever ThievesPolice: When can it be that the thieves broke into your house?Owner: How could I know as my watch was stolen? 聪明的小偷警察：你估计小偷是什么时候进入你家的？失…… 英文笑话【17】 2007-9-24 9:13:22 　·I am the DriverThe bus was crowded, and as one more man tried to get on, the passengers wouldnt let him aboard.Its too crowded, they shouted. What do you think you are?Im the driver, he said.我是司机一辆公共汽车已经相当拥挤，还有一个人想挤进来，乘客不让他上去。“太挤了，”他们喊道，“你以为你是谁？”“我是司机。”他回答说。An Ugly WomanMike: My aunt was very embarrassed when she was asked to take off her mask at the party.Mary: Why was that?Mike: She wasnt wearing one.丑女麦克：一次舞会上，当大家要求我姑姑拿掉她的面具时，她非常尴尬。玛丽：为什么会那样呢？麦克：她根本就没有带面具。CoincidenceA woman was singing. One o…… 英文笑话【18】 2007-9-24 9:13:19 　·A Silly FatherMr. White was watching TV when his eight-year-old son came into the room. He cried, Father, my grandpa just now slapped me in the face. Hearing that, Mr. White became very angry. And then he suddenly boxed his own ears heavily and said, You beat my son and I dare to beat yours.傻爸爸　　怀特先生在房间里看电视，他八岁的儿子走进来哭着说：“爸爸，刚才爷爷打了我一耳光。”怀特先生听了非常生气，突然，他重重地扇了自己一耳光，说：“你打我儿子，我也敢打你儿子。”He Swore to DieIf you refuse to marry me, he swore, I shall die.She refused him.Sixty years later, he died.他曾发誓要死“如果你…… 英文笑话【19】 2007-9-24 9:13:18 　·I Could Do It SlowerPatient: What do you charge for pulling a tooth?Dentist: Fifty dollars.Patient: Fifty dollars for a couple of minutes work?Dentist: Well, I could do it slower, if you like.我可以干得慢一些病人：拔一颗牙收费多少？牙医：50美元。病人：只几分钟的活儿就要50美元？牙医：好的，如果你喜欢的话，我可以干得慢一些。 Are They Worn Out?No, growled the quartermaster, you cant have a new pair of shoes. The pair you have arent worn out.Not worn out, cried the recruit, Why, if I step on a dime I can feel if its head or tails.还没穿破？“不行，”军需官大声说：“你不能领一双新鞋子，你穿…… 英文笑话【20】 2007-9-24 9:13:18 　·Six or Twelve?A blonde went into a pizza parlor. When she said that she‘d like a medium pizza, the clerk asked her how many pieces she‘d like to have it cut into: six or twelve. “Oh, goodness, six please,” said the blonde. “I don‘t think I could ever eat twelve.” 六还是十二？　　一位金发女郎走进一家比萨店，她说想要一个中比萨，店员问她希望把比萨切成六块还是十二块。“噢，天啊，请帮我切成六块。”女郎说，“我可不认为我可以吃得下十二块。” Clean GlassJoe and Fred were helping to build a house in a village. The weather was very warm, there was a lot of dust everywhere, and by half pas……