英语幽默【1】Youve Lost 2007-9-24 9:12:53 　·1．Youve LostOn her return from school，little Dolly，aged ten，was pulled on to her Daddys knee，and informed that the fairies had that day brought a big surprise a little baby brother．She see med glad，and presently said：“Will you give me a stamp，daddy？I want to write and tell brother Tom．”The father was touched by this，and provided the little lass with the materials to write a letter to her brother，who was away at school．Later，curious to know how she would tell the news，he took an opportunity to re…… 英语幽默【2】Puberty 2007-9-24 9:12:53 　·2．PubertyOne evening，in the midst of dinner preparation，our 10 yearold daughter asked，“Mom my， whats puberty？”My wife was rushed at the moment，so she suggested that Peggy look up the word in the dictionary，after which they could talk about it．A few minutes later，Peggy returned．Her mother asked what the dictionary had said．“Puberty means，”announced Peggy，“the earliest age at which a girl is able to bear children．”“What do you think of that？” my wife asked．“Im not sure，” Peggy replied．“Ive always …… 英语幽默【3】A Gentleman 2007-9-24 9:12:52 　·3．A GentlemanDick was seven years old，and his sister，Catherine．was five．One day their mother took them to their aunts house to play while she went to the big city to buy some new clothes．The children played for an hour，and then at half past four their aunt took Dick into the kitchen．She gave him a nice cake and a knife and said to him，“Now heres a knife，Dick．Cut this cake in half and give one of the pieces to your sister，but remember to do it like a gentleman．”“Like a gentleman？” Dick asked．“How…… 英语幽默【4】Paddy 2007-9-24 9:12:52 　·4．PaddyThere was a small boy who had been given a little terrier for his very own，on which he bestowed the name of Paddy，and loved mightily．He was very saddened by the fact that he could not take his pet away with him on his holidays，which he was spending with some relatives in the country．Whilst he was away Paddys young life was cut short by an unfortunate adventure with a motor．The boys mother feared he would take the news very hardly on his return；she broke it very gently，therefore，and was ra…… 英语幽默【5】What Are The Two Words？ 2007-9-24 9:12:52 　·5．What Are The Two Words？A very nice old lady had a few words to say to her granddaughter．“My dear，” said the old lady，“I wish you would do something for me．I wish you would promise me never to use two words．One is‘lousy’and the other is‘swell’．Would you promise me that？“Why，sure，Granny，”said the girl．“What are the two words？”5．是哪两个词？一个非常高贵的老夫人有几句话要对她的孙女说。“我亲爱的，”老夫人说：“我希望你能帮我一个忙。我要你答应永远不要用两个词。一个是‘讨厌的’，另一个是‘极好的’。你能答应我吗？”“噢，当然，奶奶。”女孩说：“是哪两个词？”…… 英语幽默【6】Ask Your Own 2007-9-24 9:12:48 　·6．Ask Your OwnIt was a cold，raw day at Washington．Champ Clark was discussing the gamins of the cities with an English visitor．The latter expatiated on the wit of the London type of the genius．Clark declared that if the Englishman were to ask any Washington street urchin any question，the urchin would make anaptreply．They sallied forth．“What time is it，Bub？They tell me you can tell time by your nose，”said the visitor to the first newsboy they met．“Ask your own，mister，mine aint run nin’，”was the re…… 英语幽默【7】Limerick 2007-9-24 9:12:48 　·7．LimerickThere was a young lady of Niger，Who smiled as she rode on a tiger．They returned from the rideWith the lady insideAnd the smile on the face of the tiger7．打油诗有个尼日尔小姑娘，笑咪咪骑在虎背上。他们兜风回返，姑娘到了里边，笑容挂在了虎脸上。…… 英语幽默【8】Im Glad 2007-9-24 9:12:48 　·8．Im GladA Sunday school teacher was telling her pupils the importance of making others glad．“Now，children，” said she，“has anyone of you ever made someone else glad？”“Please，teacher，”said a small boy，“Ive made someone glad yesterday．”“Well done．Who was that？”“My granny．”“Good boy．Now tell us how you made your grand mother glad．”“Please，teacher，I went to see her yesterday，and stayed with her three hours．Then I said to her，‘Granny，Im going home，’and she said，‘Well，Im glad’！”8．我很高兴一个主日学校的老师正在对学生讲使别…… 英语幽默【9】The New Baby 2007-9-24 9:12:47 　·9．The New BabyMr．and Mrs．Taylor had a seven year old boy named Pat．Now Mrs．Taylor was expecting another child．Pat had seen babies in other peoples houses and had not liked them very much，so he was not delighted about the news that there was soon going to be one in his house too．One evening Mr．and Mrs．Taylor were making plans for the babys arrival．“This house wont be big enough for us all when the baby comes，”said Mr．Taylor．Pat came into the room just then and said，“What are you talking about？”“W…… 英语幽默【10】Its His Fault 2007-9-24 9:12:47 　·10．Its His FaultBilly and Bobby were small boys．They were brothers，and they often had fights with each other．Last Saturday their mother said to them，“Im going to cook our lunch now．Go out and play in the garden—and be good．”“Yes，Mummy，” the two boys answered，and they went out．They played in the garden for half an hour，and then Billy ran into the kitchen．“Mummy，” he said，“Bobbys broken a window in Mrs．Allens house．” Mrs．Allen was one of their neighbors．“Hes a bad boy，”his mother said．“How did he …… 英语幽默【11】Class and Ass 2007-9-24 9:12:47 　·11．Class and AssProfessor Laurie of Glasgow put this notice on his door：“Professor Laurie will not meet his classes today．”A student，after reading the notice，rubbed out the“c”．Later Professor Laurie came along，and entering into the spirit of the joke，rubbed out the“l”．11．“班”和“笨驴”格拉斯哥的劳里教授在门上贴了这样一个通知：“劳里教授今天不会他的班。”一个学生读了通知后，擦掉了字母“c”。后来劳里教授来了，也想开开玩笑，他擦掉了字母“l”。…… 英语幽默【12】Alexander the Great 2007-9-24 9:12:43 　·12．Alexander the GreatLandon had made an unsuccessful attempt at the recitation，and the doctor，somewhat nettled，said：“Landon，you dont seem to be getting on very fast in this subject．You seem to lack ambition．Why，at your age Alexander the Great had conquered half the world．”“Yes，” said Landon，“he couldnt help it，for you will recall the fact，doctor，that Alexander the Great had Aristotle for a teacher．”12．亚历山大大帝兰登作了一次不成功的朗诵。老师有点不悦，对他说道：“兰登，你在这门课上好像进步不大，你好像缺乏志向。亚历山大大帝在你这个年龄可已经征服了半个世界。”“是啊，”兰登说，“他没法不…… 英语幽默【13】The Right Leg 2007-9-24 9:12:42 　·13．The Right LegProctor（exceedingly angry）：“So you confess that this unfortunate freshman was carried to this frog pond and drenched？Now what part did you take in this disgraceful affair？”Soph．（meekly）：“The right leg，sir．”13．右腿学监（非常生气）：“现在你承认这可怜的新生被扔进这蛙池里，浑身湿透？那么你在这不光彩的事情里扮演了什么角色呢？”二年级学生（恭顺地）：“右腿，先生。”…… 英语幽默【14】The Name of a Poet 2007-9-24 9:12:42 　·14．The Name of a PoetOur teacher was telling us about a new system of memory training being used in some schools today．“It works like this，” she said．“Suppose you wanted tore member the name of a poet—Robert Burns，for instance．”She told us to think of him as Bobby Burns．“Now get in your head a picture of a London policeman，a bobby in flames．See？Bobby Burns！”“I see what you mean，” said the class know it all．“But how can you tell that its Not Robert Browning？”14．诗人的名字我们的老师正在给我们介绍现在某些学校使用的一种新的记忆训练系…… 英语幽默【15】A Lesson in Reading 2007-9-24 9:12:42 　·15．A Lesson in Readingby Leigh HuntI had a schoolmate who had come into school at an age later than usual，and could hardly read．There was a book used by the leaners in reading called“Dialogues between a Missionary and an Indian．”It was a poor performance，full of inconclusive arguments and other commonplaces．The boy in question used to appear with this book in his hand in the middle of the school，the master standing behind him．The lesson was to begin．The poor fellow，whose great fault lay in a dee…… 英语幽默【16】An Absent Minded Professor 2007-9-24 9:12:39 　·16．An Absent Minded ProfessorA notoriously absentminded professor was one day observed walking along the street with one foot continually in the gutter，the other on the pavement．A pupil meeting him said：“Good evening，professor．How are you？“Well，” answered the professor，“I thought I was all right when I left home，but now I dont know whats the matter with me．Ive been limping for the last half hour．”16．心不在焉的老师有一天，人们看见一个有名的心不在焉的老师在路上走，他的一只脚一直踏在街沟里，另一只脚踩在人行道上。一个碰见他的学生说：“晚安，老师。您怎么了？”“啊，”这位老师回答说：“我想我离开…… 英语幽默【17】Our Tails 2007-9-24 9:12:38 　·17．Our TailsThe lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours．Then he started again，and said he：“Let me ask the evolutionist a question—if we had tails like a baboon，where are they？”“Ill venture an answer，” said an old lady．“We have worn them off sitting here so long．”17．我们的尾巴教进化论的老师已经滔滔不绝地讲了快两个小时，他的话题又来了：“让我向进化论者提个问题——如果我们曾经像狒狒那样长着尾巴，那么现在尾巴到哪里去了？”“我来试试看，”一位老太太说。“该是我们在这里坐这么久把它们磨掉了吧。”…… 英语幽默【18】Who Was the First Man？ 2007-9-24 9:12:38 　·18．Who Was the First Man？A teacher said to her class：“Who was the first man？”“George Washington，”a little boy shouted promptly．“How do you make out that George Washington was the first man？”asked the teacher，smiling indulgently．“Because，”said the little boy，“he was first in war，first in peace，and first in the hearts of his countrymen．”But at this point a larger boy held up his hand．“Well，” said the teacher to him，“who do you think was the first man？”“I dont know what his name was，”said the large…… 英语幽默【19】Good Intentions 2007-9-24 9:12:38 　·19．Good IntentionsOne day a boy came to his teacher and said：“Teacher，pawants to know if you like roast pig．”“I certainly do，”said the teacher，“and you tell your father he is very kind to think of me．”Days passed，and nothing more was said about the roast pig．Finally the teacher said to the boy：“I thought your father was going to send me over some roast pig．”“Yes，”said the boy，“he did intend to，but the pig got well．”19．良好的心愿一天有个男孩去对他老师说：“老师，我爸想知道你是不是爱吃烤猪肉。”“当然啰，”老师说，“去告诉你父亲，多谢他想着我。”好几天过去了，再没提起烤猪肉…… 英语幽默【20】Two Men 2007-9-24 9:12:38 　·20．Two MenA party of visitors were being shown round a lunatic asylum．They came across one individual in the grounds，with wild eyes，dishevelled hair，feverishly endeavouring to catchflies and keep them in his pocket．“His was a sad case，”said the attendant．“Whilst he was at the war his wife abandoned his home and ran off with another man．”“Terrible，”said a visitor．Presently they came to a padded cell，in which could be heard a raging as of a wild beast．“Thats the other man，”said the attendant．20．两个……