Last Christmas, when Brianna Hentz began wrapping presents, she realized everyone in the family had 10 or 12 gifts - except for 4-year-old Emily, who had just three.

"That was a big, big wake-up call," said her mother, Brianna, who admits to favoring 5-year-old Lillian over her younger sister.

Favoritism is also an issue in the Ely household, where 7-year-old Chris has been to Disney World three times with his mom while his brother Jamie, who is 12, was left home with dad.

The boys' mother, Dianne, acknowledges that she gives more attention to Chris because he is a more affectionate and easygoing child.

And in a third family, Sandy Johnson admits to treating her two daughters, Hannah, 7, and Morgan, 9, differently. "You just wonder why you had these different children. One of them you just get along with so wonderfully well and the other one, half the time you just want to choke her to death."

    去年圣诞节，Brianna Hentz开始包装礼物时，她发现家里的每个人都有10份或12份礼物,除了4岁的Emily，她只有3份。

   "那是一个很大，很大的闹钟，"母亲Brianna说，她承认比之妹妹，更偏爱5岁的Lillian。

   在Ely的家里，偏袒也是一种方式，7岁的Chris已经和妈妈去过迪斯尼3次了，而他的哥哥，12岁的Jamie，却只能和爸爸留在家里。

  孩子的母亲Dianne承认她花了更多的心思在Chris身上，因为他是一个更讨人喜欢，更随和的孩子。

   在第3个家庭中，Sandy Johnson承认对待两个女儿，7岁的Hannah和9岁Morgan的态度是不同的。"你会好奇于自己为什么会有这些不同的孩子。你和其中的一个相处得极好，而有一半时间你却想掐死另一个。"

The three families responded to a notice on ABCNEWS.com asking, "Do you favor one child over another even though you try to parent equally?" They agreed to let 20/20 place cameras in their homes in the hope of learning more about the role favoritism played in their household and what they could do about it.

Parents Deny It, But Kids Feel It

Although parents' first reaction is usually to deny favoring one child over another, most parents end up admitting that they do it, according to Dr. Kenneth Hardy, a family therapist and director of trauma and families at the Ackerman Institute for the Family in New York City. "All parents have favorites," he believes.

Hardy says the children are often aware of it, too. If you ask two siblings which one is the favorite and both point to themselves, there's no problem, he says. "If both kids point one way, you know you have a problem."

   3组家庭对ABCNEWS.COM的问题作了回应："虽然你试图平等地对待孩子们，但是你还是更偏爱一个?"他们同意20/20栏目组在家里摆一部摄像机，以希望更好地了解偏袒在家庭中扮演的角色以及他们可以解决的办法。

家长否认偏袒，但孩子能感知

     据纽约Ackerman家庭研究所的家庭精神治疗专家、精神创伤和家庭部主任Kenneth Hardy博士研究，虽然家长的第一个反应通常都是否认偏袒，但最后大部分家长都承认他们确实如此。他相信，"所有的家长都有最疼爱的孩子。"

   Hardy说孩子们也常常察觉到。如果你问两个兄弟或姐妹，他(她)们谁更受宠，两人会指向自己，那就没有问题。他说，"如果两个孩子指向同一个人，你便知道存在问题。"

The Ely boys didn't hesitate when asked whether their mother favors Chris: Both boys nodded. "It's kind of like she doesn't love me," Jamie started to say, then corrected himself: "She does love me, but she, like, favors Chris more, but kind of forgets about me."

Their mother said she loves both boys, but sometimes finds that Jamie's complaining can make her not like him. "I don't think with Christopher I ever have that same feeling."

She also said she finds Chris more affectionate. When she kisses Jamie while he is asleep in bed, she says he seems to rub off her kisses, while Chris "nuzzles," she said. "I think you can just get closer to a more affectionate child."

Hardy, who watched the tapes and talked to the families, said parents often respond better to children who demonstrate that they need and love them.

Like the other mothers, Dianne Ely said she felt guilty when she realized how much she was favoring one of her children. "I thought, God, this is just not right to treat your children differently."

   当问及Ely家的男孩母亲是否更偏爱Chris时，他们都毫不犹豫。两个孩子都点头。"她好像不爱我，"Jamie说，然后纠正了刚才的说法："她爱我，但是她好像更爱Chris，有时会忘了我。"

    他们的母亲说兄弟俩她都爱，但是有时发现Jamie的抱怨会让她不喜欢他。"但是对Christopher，我没有过这样的感觉。"

    她还说她发现Chris更讨人喜欢。当Jamie在床上睡觉，她亲吻他时，他却想擦掉她的吻，而Chris会"依偎"，她说，"我认为你会更亲近那个亲切的孩子。"

    Hardy看了录像带，并和家长们交谈过，认为他们对那些表露出需要他们、爱他们的孩子会做出更好的回应。

    和其他的母亲一样，Dianne Ely说当她意识到她有多偏袒其中一个孩子时，她感到内疚。"我觉得，上帝啊，用不同的态度对待你的孩子们是不对的。"

Like Jamie, Morgan Johnson is aware that she is not the favorite in her family. 20/20's cameras showed that when Sandy is criticizing Morgan, Hannah often joins in, siding with her mother against her sister. "They don't like me that much," Morgan said, adding that it doesn't make her feel angry, but, "It makes me feel sad."

Sandy said she finds that Hannah is calmer and more easygoing than Morgan, but Hardy advised her to accept that both girls have good and bad qualities. For instance, the tapes showed that Hannah sometimes takes advantage of her favored role to tease her sister. Sandy admitted it was unfair that Hannah gets away with things that Morgan would be punished for.

Hardy also said Sandy should not allow the parent-child roles to blur. On the tapes, he pointed out that Sandy sometimes slipped into petty arguments with Morgan. She also often allowed Hannah to take on the role of a surrogate mom, which could leave Morgan feeling ganged-up on, Hardy said. He suggested that Sandy ease Hannah out of the parental role, and act more like a grown-up herself. "Parents, teachers and authorities should act like adults," he said.

   和Jamie相似，Morgan Johnson察觉到她在家中不受重视。20/20栏目组摄像机显示，当Sandy批评Morgan时，Hannah也常常加入，和母亲站在一边对付姐姐。"她们不怎么喜欢我，"Morgan说，并说这不会让她气愤，但"会让我很沮丧"。

   Sandy说，她发现Hannah比Morgan更文静、更随和，Hardy则建议她要理解两个女孩都有优点和缺点。例如，录像带显示，Hannah有时凭她受宠的优势去嘲弄姐姐。Sandy承认，做错了事Hannah不受罚而Morgan受罚是不公平的。

   Hardy还说Sandy不应该让家长和孩子的角色混淆。他指出，录像带上， Sandy有时会和Morgan小争吵。Hardy说，她也常常允许Hannah代替妈妈的身份，这会让Morgan感觉她们联合起来欺负她。他建议Sandy让Hannah慢慢走出扮演家长的角色，让自己更像大人的行为。"家长、老师和专家应该更像成年人，"他说。

Breaking the Chain

In the Hentz home, Emily, even at age 4, is aware she is out of favor. 20/20's cameras were rolling when her mother, Brianna, told her to stand in the corner for misbehaving. "You don't love me," Emily accused her.

Brianna said she loves Emily but admits she never really bonded with her because she was having family problems when Emily was born. Now, she thinks Emily acts out because she wants attention.

"It's kind of like a chain. Because I neglected her, she needs attention. Then her behavior is bad to get my attention," Brianna said, adding that she ends up by getting irritated at Emily and ignoring her.

Hardy said that unfavored children often grow up with low self-esteem because they feel unloved. "The most egregious form of rejection that anyone can ever experience is parental rejection."

   在Hentz的家里，Emily虽然才4岁，却意识到她不受重视。当母亲Brianna叫她站在角落为她的无礼举止反思时，20/20栏目组的摄像机拍下了一切。"你不爱我，"Emily指着她说。

     Brianna说她爱Emily，但她不承认真正和她很贴心，因为当Emily出生时，她刚好出现了家庭问题。而现在，她则认为Emily的举动是想引起她的注意。

    "这有点像条锁链。因为我忽视了她，所以她要引我注意。这样她的举止很差，很难吸引我的注意，"Brianna还补充说，她最终会对Emily感到恼火，继续忽视她。

    Hardy认为，不受宠的孩子在成长过程中会很没有自尊，因为他们感觉不到爱。"无论是谁，被抛弃的经历当中最过分的就是父母的抛弃。"

But there are things parents can do, he said. One thing is to start spending time alone with the unfavored child - "even if it means that you're doing it with some effort initially, where your heart is not into it." He suggested that Dianne take Jamie to Disney World, and that Brianna draw pictures with Emily. It can be something simple. "If it's a good ritual, Hardy said, "it will create more of a connection between the two of you."。

Hardy also said parents should keep in mind that each of their children has good and bad qualities. He noted that favorites like Hannah often taunt their unfavored siblings. He said parents often overlook when their so-called "problem" child does something good. He pointed out an instance on one of the tapes where Dianne rebuffed Jamie when he tried to help her comfort Chris, who was upset over losing his homework. Dianne failed to notice Jamie's kind gesture because she is so used to finding fault with him, Hardy said.

The most important thing, Hardy said, is for parents to admit the favoritism. "It's not a horrible thing for a parent to look herself in the mirror and say, 'You know what, I do like one more than the other.' I think that's a good sign, and a good healthy first start."ABCNEWS

   但是对于家长还有补救的办法，他说。第一件是花时间与不受宠的孩子单独相处--"即使意味着你一开始觉得有些困难，因为你的心不在那里。"他建议Dianne带Jamie去一趟迪斯尼，Brianna和Emily一起画画，可以做简单的事。Hardy说，"如果这是好的形式，它会在你们俩之间创造更多的维系。

    Hardy还补充说家长应该记住每个孩子都有优缺点。他指出，像Hannah一样最受宠的孩子会常常奚落不被重视的兄弟姐妹。她提出，被称为"有问题"的孩子表现好家长往往还是忽视他们。他举了录像机上的一个例子，当Jamie试图帮Dianne安慰丢了家庭作业而难过的Chris时，她断然拒绝了他。Dianne没注意到Jamie友善的表示，因为她总是在他身上找错误，Hardy说。

  Hardy指出，对于家长最重要的事是承认偏袒。"一位家长照着镜子并表达出'我确实更喜欢其中一个'时，那并不可怕。我认为这是一个好的标志，是一个健康的良好开端。"

美国广播公司新闻 周恩琼 译