Kids Caught by Couples at Crossroads

Almost every couple fights at some point - about anything from dirty dishes and socks left on the floor to bigger problems of trust and communication.

But some couples are almost constantly at each other's throats, with their marriage on the brink of divorce, as their kids witness yelling, name calling, unresolved disputes and lingering anger.

With five cameras and 300 hours of footage, Primetime took an unprecedented look into the inner world of two volatile American families, with parents who can't stop fighting, and the toll it takes on their children. The couples saw Primetime's cameras as an opportunity to take a closer look for themselves at what was really going on. Though the couples were allowed to turn off the cameras, they agreed to let them roll long enough to see the inner workings of their relationships.

      几乎所有的夫妻都或多或少地会发生纠纷，小到脏碟子和扔在地上的臭袜子，大到彼此缺乏信任和沟通，夫妻之间的"战斗"内容真是五花八门。

     但是，一些夫妻几乎一直处于激烈争吵之中，使他们的婚姻处于离异的边缘，而他们的孩子则亲眼目睹父母无休无止地叫嚷和漫骂，以及无法解决的争执和绵延不绝的怒火。

      依靠5台摄像机和300个小时连续镜头的真实记录，《黄金时间》节目前所未有地窥视到两个暴躁美国家庭的内部世界，这两对夫妻不停地"战斗"，并且让这种战火危害到了自己的孩子。这两对夫妻把《黄金时间》的偷拍作为一个机会，也想走近自己的生活，看看到底哪里不对头。虽然节目组允许这两对夫妻关掉摄像机，但他们答应（同意）让这些机子长时间开着，使其能真正地反映出他们夫妻关系的实质。

The videotape, captured over 10 weeks, revealed the inner workings of marriages filled with tension, mistrust, accusations and shouting. Psychologists have long understood that parental fighting can be toxic to a child's emotional well-being. But new research goes further, suggesting the wounds are both psychic and physical.

The question we asked the experts: Should the couples split up or stay together for the sake of the kids?

Behind Closed Doors: The Hershbergers and The Moores

Les and Shannon Hershberger were high-school sweethearts who were pregnant with their oldest son before their senior prom. Now 33 and 32, respectively, they have been married for nine years and have three children.

"We're on shaky ground," said Shannon in an interview before the cameras were installed in their suburban San Diego home. "I think we're pretty close to divorcing."

Both recognize they may have gotten married too young, and they also struggle with issues of trust, communication, parenting, and the amount of time they spend together.

    在长达10周多的偷拍录相带上，人们看到他们婚姻的核心内容中充满着紧张、不信任、指责和叫骂。心理学家一直认为，父母的不和会伤害孩子的良好情感，但这项新研究又进了一步，它提示这种伤害会涉及到孩子的身心。

   我们要请教专家的问题是：为了孩子的缘故，这样的夫妻应该离异，还是为了孩子凑合过下去？

   Les和Shannon Hershberger在高中时就热恋了，还没有进入高年级，他们就怀上了大儿子。现在，Les已33岁，Shannon 32岁，他们已结婚9年，有了3个孩子。

   他们住在圣迭戈郊区，在他家安装摄像机之前，节目组采访了Shannon，她说："我们的婚姻已很不稳定，与离婚也就一步之遥了。"

   夫妻双方都认为自己结婚太早，实际上，在信任、沟通、为人父母在一起化多少时间等等事情上充满矛盾和争斗。

"We don't have much in common," said Robert, 46. "I don't even know if we like each other, to tell you the truth."

Both Judy and Robert have had previous marriages that ended in divorce, and they have a 3-year-old son, Jonathan. Though Robert has never physically abused his wife, he admits he has a quick temper.

Judy said she married Robert because she thought she loved him. Now, she would view divorce as a failure.

The hundreds of hours of footage showed how and why the couples fight. Primetime watched them yell at each other and use bad language in front of the kids. In some arguments, one had a tendency to flee rather than resolve things, either by leaving the room or focusing on the TV. They often didn't listen to each other, repeating their destructive patterns in argument after argument. There were signs of distrust, arguments rehashed, and potentially sweet moments that dissolved into bitterness. Both couples were often so absorbed in their own battles, that they often forgot their children were watching. There were also, however, some signs of tenderness and reconciliation.

   46岁的Robert说："我们的共同点很少，说真的，我甚至不知道我们是否彼此喜欢对方。"

   Judy和Robert Moore以前都曾离过婚。现在，他们有一个3岁的儿子Jonathan。虽然Robert从来没有打过他的妻子，但他承认他的脾气急躁。

  Judy说，她与Robert结婚，是因为她以为自己爱他。现在，她认为离婚是一种失败。

   几百个小时的连续录相带表明，这对夫妻是如何和为何打仗的。《黄金时间》看到他们相互大叫，而且当着孩子的面出言不逊。有时发生争论时，一方不是去解决问题，而是习惯于逃避，或弃家而走，或闷声看电视。他们不会相互倾听，在一次又一次争论中重复着他们那种毁灭式的方式。家庭氛围中长期充满着怀疑和争论，苦涩淹没了可能出现的甜蜜时刻。而且，由于两人完全沉浸在自己战争中以至于全然不顾孩子正在观战。尽管家中偶而有时也会出现一些温柔和和解的迹象。

How Children May Be Affected

While the couples decide whether to stay together or say goodbye, the children pay a price.

"The verbal conflict, day in and day out, and putting each other down and demeaning the other partner has a lot of negative impact on children," said Mona El-Sheikh, a psychology professor who studied children's physiological responses to marital conflict for a federally funded project.

Dr. Jonathan Stern, a psychologist in Manhattan who analyzed the video footage for Primetime, said children may believe they are the cause of what they see.

Rather than becoming desensitized to their screaming parents, the wounds of children who see and hear too much fighting deepen over time; there may be physical effects as well.

In a six-year study involving more than 2,000 families, El-Sheikh measured children's physical stress - responses parents may not see because they take place inside the body. When watching parents fight, the young subjects often had increased heart rates, faster breathing, and more sweat gland activity. Even when they became familiar with the fights, the child's level of stress did not diminish. When the parents made up, the lab levels returned to normal.

"Those children also get sick more frequently, tend to become more aggressive, have more depression and anxiety, and don't sleep as well as children from lower conflict homes," said El-Sheikh.

   其实，在夫妻决定是否分手或维持婚姻时，孩子已付出了代价。

    心理学教授Mona El-sheikh曾在一项联邦基金支持的项目中研究婚姻纷争对孩子身心的影响，他说："父母之间日复一日的恶语攻讦，相互贬低和瞧不起，都会对孩子造成不良影响。"

     曼哈顿的心理学家Jonathan Stern博士分析了《黄金时间》所摄的带子，他说，孩子可能会认为自己是父母不和的原因。

    孩子对父母不和所见所闻的时间越长，他们所受的伤害就越大，还可能产生不良生理影响。他们不会慢慢适应整日吵吵闹闹父母的。

   在一项包括2000多个家庭的长达6年研究中，Mona El-sheikh测到孩子的生理压力，而父母对此一无所知，这是因为这些反应发生在孩子的体内。当看到父母争斗时，受试的孩子常常心率加快、呼吸急促和汗腺活动增加。既使他们习惯于这种战争时，孩子所受的压力也并没有减轻。当父母言归于好时，孩子的实验检测数据则恢复到正常。

    El-sheikh说："与家庭中较少争斗的孩子相比，这些孩子也经常容易生病，他们的攻击性较强，容易出现抑郁和焦虑，睡眠也不太好。"

Witnessing the strife, said Stern, may also affect what kind of parents the children will become themselves. "This is the norm for them, and if it's the norm for them, it's going to be the norm for them when they are husbands and wives themselves," he said. "The anger is very toxic to these kids, to their self-confidence, to their ability to resolve conflicts in their own lives down the road," added Stern.

A Good Fight

Though children can be harmed by parental fighting, experts say that arguments - even a heated one - can teach them useful lessons if the fight has a positive resolution.

The key is resolution, which helps children feel secure that their families will stay intact and teaches them how to resolve differences when they are adults.

"Fighting can be really good for kids if it's productive fighting," said Stern. "If you have a couple who have conflicts, but model good conflict resolution skills - being able to put one's feelings aside … being able to compromise … that can be extremely helpful. Not only neutral, but helpful, to kids."

    Stern说，目睹这些争斗可能会影响到这些孩子长大后做什么样的父母。Stern说："对他们来说，父母吵闹已习已为常，如果他们认为这事很正常，当他们成为丈夫或妻子时，也会视夫妻之间争斗为日常便饭。"他说："愤怒对这些孩子十分有害，伤害他们的自信心，伤害他们在自己生活道路上解决纠纷的能力。"

   虽然父母的争斗会伤害孩子，但专家们说，如果争吵有一个积极的解决办法，这种争吵既使是很激烈的那一种，都能教会孩子一些有用的东西。

   关键是要解决问题，这样使孩子看到自己家庭的完整而有安全感，并教会他们在长大后如何解决分歧。

    Stern说："如果这种战斗是富有成果的，它对孩子的确是有益的。如果夫妻之间有纠纷，但又有非常好的解决纠纷的技巧，如能够把自己的感情放在一边，能够妥协，这就非常有益了。对孩子来说，这样不仅是无害的，而且确有帮助。"

In real life, however, children often don't see or hear an argument's happy ending. But perhaps the Hershberger and Moore kids will be seeing more peacemaking. After watching themselves on tape, both the Hershbergers and the Moores decided they want their marriages to work.

"I've made a lot of mistakes, and I"ll probably make more, but I would like to make this marriage work. I really would," said Robert.

And Shannon and Les said they realized they were still in love.

"I feel it in my heart," said Shannon. Les answered, "I'm the same way."Primetime

   然而，在现实生活中，孩子所见所闻的家庭争纷结局常常是不幸的。但是，Hershberger和moore的孩子可能将会看到自己父母慢慢地和解。在看完自己在录相带中的表现以后,Hershberger和moore夫妇都决定使自己的婚姻变得好起来。

   Robert说："我已经犯了许多错误，我可能还会犯错，但是我愿意使自己婚姻成功，我真得应该这样做。"

   Shannon和Les说他们已经认识到他们彼此仍在相爱。

  Shannon说，："我感受到心中的爱。" Les回答说："我也如此。"黄金时间 燕 译