I have a Chinese friend who at a very young age was sent to live with her grandmother. As she grew up, she never understood why her mother was so unaffectionate,or why she was never allowed to live at home with her younger brother and sister. Now a newlywed with a good job, she only recently found out from her grandmother that the woman she always thought was her mother is in fact her stepmother. Her real mother died in childbirth. She says she is relieved to know that the woman who treated her so coldly over the years is not her real parent.

我当继父

　　我有一个中国朋友，从小就被送到祖母家生活，她成长期间始终不明白为什么妈妈对她一点都不亲，为什么从来不让她回家和弟弟妹妹住在一起？如今，拥有了一份好工作并且已做了新娘的她，最近刚刚从祖母那儿得知她一直以为是自己妈妈的女人实际上是继母，她的生母在生她时就死了。她说，知道了多年来冷对自己的女人不是生身母亲，心中的困扰也就解除了。

　Since hearing this story, I have asked other acquaintances about stepchildren. Apparently Chinese men in particular tend to bristle at the thought of raising children not their own.Many women are loath to see someone else's children drawing their husband's affection away from their own offspring.

 America too has its share of problems with stepfamilies. Prominent anthropologist Margaret Mead once noted that the increasing life expectancy of Americans made it absurd to think that all marriages would or even should endure for a lifetime. People, she argued, develop intellectually and emotionally all their lives; two people may evolve very differently, making it uncomfortable, if not impossible, to live together. Most experts agree that some marriages should be dissolved, and between 1970 and 1996 the US divorce rate more than quadrupled.

　 自从听了这事之后，我向其他的熟人询问了关于“拖油瓶”的问题。看来，一想到要抚养的孩子不是自己的，中国男人往往犹为生气；很多中国女人则不愿意看到别人的孩子把丈夫的爱从自己的孩子身上移走。

    美国也同样存在着再婚家庭的问题。著名的人类学家玛格丽特·米德有一次特别提到，美国人寿命的延长使得那种认为一切婚姻都会或者都应该白头到老的想法已成为无稽之谈。她主张，人的一生心智与情感都在不断拓展，而夫妻双方的演变可能极为不同，这就使得继续厮守在一起是不愉快的甚至是不可能的了。多数专家同意某些婚姻应该终结，而从1970年至1996年间，美国的离婚率增长到四倍之多。

　But some studies suggest that children in mildly unhappy, low-conflict, first-marriage families are better off if the parents tough it out till the kids are grown. Statistics indicate that the alternatives to traditional nuclear families - single parent families, stepfamilies, and children living with other family members, such as grandparents - are less satisfactory for the mental health of the children. In fact, about 20 percent of children in stepfamilies have some sort of behavioral or mental problem, twice as many as in first-marriage families.

  Nevertheless, stop to reflect how many societies have experimented with other forms of child rearing. And every developed or semi-developed country in the world has trouble with orphans and homeless children,with some form of juvenile delinquency, with child abuse, with child labor issues.

　　但是某些研究也指出，如果父母的婚姻能坚持到孩子成年，那么生活在轻微不愉快、低度冲突的初婚家庭中的孩子的成长环境就比较好。统计资料显示，有别于只包含父母与亲生子女的传统家庭的其他方式，例如单亲家庭、再婚家庭或让孩子与其他亲戚如祖父母生活在一起，孩子的心理健康都是令人不满意的。事实表明，再婚家庭中20%的孩子有行为或心理问题，这个比例是初婚家庭中孩子的2倍。

   然而，不说这些了，让我们仔细想想多少国家已经实验了抚养孩子的其他方式。世界上每一个发达或半发达国家都存在着孤儿、流浪儿、青少年犯罪、虐待儿童、童工的麻烦问题。

　When I tell my Chinese acquaintances that I have a daughter and a son, they reply that I am lucky because I have the perfect family. When I add that they are my stepchildren, some people are surprised that I would agree to bring up someone else's children; others wonder what problems exist in such a relationship; most ask if I wish I had children who were‘really’mine.

  My wife and I married in 1987 when her children were eight and four. We had known each other for several years, and her kids knew me well already. We had spent a lot of time together, and the children had known for a while that I was going to become their stepdad. Still, once we were married, many things changed abruptly. My wife took a new job in a new town, so we moved. Some of her old furniture got left behind, some of mine got added; the children left some toys, some clothes and a ton of memories in their old house,swherestheir father was living.

    当我告诉我的中国朋友我有一儿一女时，他们都说我很幸运，因为我有一个完美的家庭，当我又加上一句他们是我妻子与前夫的孩子时，有人就对我愿意抚育别人的孩子表示吃惊，还有人想知道在我们的关系中存在什么问题，多数都问我是否希望要一个亲生的孩子。

   我和妻子是1987年结婚的，那时她的孩子一个8岁一个4岁，我们彼此已相识了好几年，她的孩子也与我很熟，我们在一起度过了很多时光，在结婚前的一段时间孩子们已经知道我将成为他们的继父。然而，一旦我们结婚了，很多事情还是发生了突兀的变化。我妻子在另一座小城找了一份新工作，我们便搬了过去。她的一些旧家具扔掉了，我的一些家具添了进来；孩子们则把一些玩具、衣物和很多记忆留在了老房子里——他们的生父还继续在那里住着。

But it was not only a different constellation of material surroundings to which everyone had to adjust. I had never had children, and now my wife's children were with me day and night, well or ill, happy or sad, sometimes acutely missing their real dad. And always, no matter what their mood or mine, they needed parenting from me. I was suddenly required to make decisions about going out to play after dinner, about bedtime, about bathing, about school clothes and rain gear. I had to help them with their homework.I had to read to them, and remind them to eat their vegetables and brush their teeth.

  My wife too found herself almost overnight sharing the parenting of her children with someone new. At times we disagreed.Perhaps I thought the children should be allowed to have a friend stay overnight but she felt they needed a good night's sleep.Maybe I thought they should be made to practice the piano but she felt it was their responsibility to do it voluntarily.

　  但是，我们需要适应的并不仅仅是周围物质方面的变化。我从未有过孩子，如今，我妻子的孩子与我日夜相伴，无论他们是病了还是好了，是高兴还是悲伤，有时他们还极为想念自己的生父。但有一条不变的是，不管他们情绪和我的情绪如何，他们需要我的父爱。骤然间，我就需要为孩子们饭后出去玩、睡觉时间、洗澡、校服、雨具等做出决定，我还必须帮助他们完成作业，必须为他们读故事书，提醒他们吃掉自己那份蔬菜，提醒他们刷牙。

   我的妻子也发现自己几乎是一夜间就要与一个新来的人共同抚育自己的孩子。我们不时会有分歧，比如，我可能觉得应该允许孩子和朋友一起玩个通宵，而我妻子则认为他们需要充足的睡眠；我可能认为应该强制他们多练练钢琴，但她觉得这应该是孩子自愿做的事。

　The four of us had all the predictable disagreements and typical trials that beset any family. Plus there was this other man - my wife's first husband, the children's dad - who was an equal partner in the major decisions affecting the children's lives. His parenting style was quite unlike ours.The kids behaved very differently around him, and we could detect the influence when they returned from even a weekend with him. Also, he remar-ried, adding another adult to the mix; and then he and his new wife had two more children.

    我们四人之间存在着任何家庭当中所能预见到的意见不合以及典型的让人伤脑筋的事，再加上另一个男人的存在——我妻子的前夫，孩子们的生父——在有关孩子生活的重大决定中他是拥有平等权利的一员，他的教育风格与我们很不一样，孩子们跟着他时举止就大变样，孩子们哪怕只跟他过个周末，回来后我们也能觉察出这种影响。还有，他也再婚了，另一个大人又加了进来；之后，他和第二个妻子有了两个孩子。

　So how have things turned out in our complex family?Terrific!My daughter, now almost 23, has graduated from college and is working in Washington; my 19-year-old son is a freshman in college.My wife and I spent last year together in Beijing, and this year she is working in the US. My kids' real dad is still in Vermont with his wife and two small children. My children say that they have four parents and more than twice as many grandparents. Everyone, while still grounded in our unusual family structure,is striving to develop independent, productive lives, motivated by curiosity and passion, directed toward doing some good in the world.

   Why does our family seem to have worked? I think it's because we talked to each other all the time, about anything and everything. No topic was off limits, no subject was too embarrassing or too controversial; no mistake or good deed, no conflict or success passed without comment or analysis. We asked questions. We gave answers. We criticized. Sometimes we fought. But we always talked. We listened and we each expected to be listened to.

   那么，我们这个复杂的家庭现况如何呢？非常好！我女儿快23岁了，已经大学毕业，目前在华盛顿工作，19岁的儿子是大学一年级的学生。我和妻子去年一年都在北京，今年她在美国工作。孩子们的生父与其妻及两个尚未成年的孩子仍住在佛蒙特州。我的孩子们说，他们的父亲母亲是四个人，而祖父母比父母的两倍还要多。对于仍然植根于这个不太一般的家庭结构中的每一个人，我们都在奋力拓展独立的而且是富有成果的生活。我们受好奇心与激情所驱使，朝着在这个世界上有所为的方向努力着。

    为什么我们的家庭看来是成功的呢？我觉得是因为我们彼此总在交谈，谈论任何事情，谈论每一件事情；没有不能谈的话题，任何话题都不会过于尴尬，也不会争执不下；彼此间的任何功过是非，任何矛盾或成效，在不经过评论或分析之前是不会让它过去的。我们提出问题，我们做出回答；我们相互批评，有时还会争吵。但我们始终是在交谈，我们倾听别人说，也希望别人听自己说。

　We learned from each other. But I do not mean to give you the idea that talk is all it takes to be a good parent or stepparent. Parenting occurs on a constantly changing field. Children who are angels one day may be monsters the next day. They can exercise judgement and show a wisdom that affirms all the teaching and talking and discipline, and the next day throw a snowball through the church window or carve their name in an antique.

  Fortunately it was never my goal to supplant their real father in their affection. They always called me Dan and were sweet to me, but there was a gap that would not close; they were just a bit reluctant to engage in things with only me. One day a couple of monthssintosour life together, the kids and I were riding our bicycles around the neighborhood. David started to fuss about being tired, then hungry, then bored, and Jane provoked him by assuming an air of maternal superiority. An argument broke out, and for the first time I spoke to them sternly. Listen, I said, you don't have to think of me as your father - I'm not interested in replacing him. But I am married to your mother. I know you didn't have any choice in this matter, but here we are, living together. As an adult I have a responsibility to look out for your wellbeing, which includesshavingssome fun together. So I'm probably going to act like a parent until you're grown up. We might as well find ways to get along. So, right now, what do you want to do: go home or ride your bikes?They both chose to ride on, and we had a great time that afternoon. I think they were relieved to hear me say that I was not trying to replace their real father.

   我们相互学习。但我的意思并非只要交谈就能当好父母或继父继母。为人父母是处于一个不断变化的环境中：孩子们今天可爱得像天使，明天就可能是小坏包；今天他们可以运用理性判断，表现出智慧，从而证实了你所教的、说的、管的一切的作用，可明天他们会投掷雪球打破教堂的窗户，或把自己的名字刻到一件古董上。

   所幸的是，组成新家后，我从未想过自己要取代孩子心中对生父的爱。他们总是直称我的名字“丹”，和我非常亲热，但最初也存在着隔阂无法弥和；他们有点不愿意单独和我一起干什么事。有一天，那是在我们一起生活几个月之后，孩子们和我在家的附近一起骑自行车，儿子戴维开始嚷嚷累，接着就嚷饿，然后又嚷没意思，而女儿珍妮则装出像妈妈似的傲慢样子招惹戴维，于是，一场斗嘴开始了，而我也第一次严肃地对他们讲话，“听我说，”我说道，“你们可以不把我当做父亲——我无意取代他。但是我和你们的母亲结婚了，在这件事上我知道你们别无选择。可是，瞧咱们呀，在一起生活了。作为一个成年人，我有责任照顾你们的幸福安康，这当中也包括一起玩。因此，在你们长大之前，我恐怕就得像父亲那样行事，咱们最好能找出个和睦相处的办法。因此，现在，你们想怎么办？是回家呢还是接着骑自行车？”他们都选择了骑车。那天下午，我们过得非常快乐。我想，当他们听到我不想取代他们的生父时，心里就踏实了。

　I don't think either of them ever questioned my love for them. I always told them that I loved them, but it was perhaps even more important that I talked to them, listened to them, respected them and made no special demands on their loyalty.

 Yet this analysis is so glib, so incomplete. The truth is more complicated. Of course our sane resolve to avoid the horrors of some divorces and some stepfamilies was essential. But let's be honest: luck was also on our side. Health has never been a problem, and my stepchildren have known a host of older relatives. Their real father and stepmother are both college professors with doctorates. My wife, with an MA, has been a school administrator for over twenty years. Reading, writing, analyzing, problem-solving and philosophizing have always been part of my children's daily life. And my stepchildren were encouraged to dream, and taught that their dreams could come true.They were encouraged to work hard, and told by their society that their hard work would lead to a good life. They have expected a good life. But any child from any country would turn out well with such abundant good fortune.

　　我觉得他们从不怀疑我对他们的爱。我总是告诉他们我爱他们，但更重要的，恐怕就是我与他们交谈，倾听他们的想法，尊重他们，也不对他们提出特别要求来尊重我的“权威”。

     然而这一分析是很浮浅很不全面的，事情其实更为复杂。为了避免某些离婚和再婚家庭的麻烦，我们的理智决断当然是必不可缺的。但是说实话，幸运也光顾了我们。我们的健康从来就没有问题，并且两个孩子认识了一群年长的亲戚。他们的生父和继母都是有博士学位的大学教授，我的妻子，文学硕士，做一所学校的主管已有二十多年。阅读、写作、分析、解决问题以及进行哲学性探讨，已成为孩子们生活的一部分。这两个孩子的梦想受到鼓励，并得知这些梦想是可以实现的；他们受到鼓励努力学习，社会告诉他们努力工作就会赢得幸福的生活。他们已预料到会有幸福的生活。但任何国家的孩子，若是有如此的好运也将成长为好公民。

 I have always thought that being a parent had little to do with biological connections. For one thing, there are so many bad parents who are biological parents. And history is full of nurturing adult-child relationships that have nothing to do with blood. As for the perpetuation of a name, what is one Warthman or Wang more or less in the world? My stepchildren will perpetuate whatever they think is important - things from me, their mother, their father, their stepmother, their teachers, their friends. What makes me happy is that they are independent thinkers, insightful and perceptive, clear-headed; that they are kind; that they care about the world and its people. I am honored to be a part of their lives, to be able to claim them as my family.

    我一直在想，作为父母，血统上的关系其实作用很小。比如，有很多亲生父母对孩子很不好，而历史上又有很多没有任何血缘但相互依存的大人与孩子的关系。至于所谓的传宗接代，世界上多一个少一个姓我的姓或是姓张王李赵的又有什么关系？我的孩子们所继承的是他们认为重要的东西——从我这里，从他们的妈妈那里，从他们的生父那里，从继母那里，从老师那里，从朋友那里。令我高兴的是，他们能独立思考，有远见，知觉敏锐，头脑清晰，心地善良，关注世界和各国人民。我为成为他们生活中的一部分、为他们是我家庭中的成员而感到荣耀。 Dan Warthman (美)北京青年报